Alot Happens in 9 Years

 

It's been almost nine years since I last posted here. A lot can happen in nine years, thankfully for me, I can say, we are still here. Older, wiser, bigger… perhaps more mature… I don’t know. What I do know is that I still wonder at the magic of being called mommy every day.

The boys no longer have tiny feet that go pitter patter all over the place. Theirs are those of young men. Still all over the place and now carrying more thud than pitter. My parenting stance is more reflective, more deliberate and more intentional.

A few years ago, I did a thing, it was a scary thing, knew the consequences could be disastrous and I did all I could to mitigate the chaos that I thought I foresaw. I blew the lid off the realities of careless parenting by speaking about the uncomfortable realities of my upbringing, something extremely countercultural. I was recognizing the effects of living in what I think, today, to have been a narcissistic-abusive power dynamic between my parents and the reality of bearing the scars of wars that I never should have been privy to as a child. You can listen to that podcast here.

Before getting in front of a mic as I did, we had had conversations with my mother about leveraging our own healing to create a platform where others can also start their healing journeys and that would also have been her entrance into a counselling psychology practice…. Or so I thought.

Little did I know that I was about to blow the lid off a long festering volcano that has completely shifted how I think about family and how I relate with my own and others. The storms and battles that came from that conversation led me to the realization that many among the generations of our parents are sorely devoid of filial love or connection. See how many today, are talking about their toxic parents. See today how many are finally going no contact with parents and siblings who cannot see how their own actions undermine the very notion of family.

In the aftermath of that podcast, I have seen with crystal clear clarity that I had never come out of the abusive system but rather had normalized things that one should never normalize from anybody no matter the relationship. I had normalized being dismissed, I had normalized having my words twisted to fit the agenda of the day, I had gotten used to being blamed for whatever needed blaming to carry the agenda of the day... wueh! so much! But I also got my power back. My power to stop and refuse to be a part of it. So, many years later and vindication looks like relatives coming to say that they also see it now and apologizing for their part to play in the chaos. Careless parenting is a thing, too many of us are products of careless parenting and barely know it and thus risk breaking our own children. Yes, alot has happened in 9 years.

Today I sit here, watching my young men grow and I know that I cannot be the one to clip their wings with careless words or selfish ambition. I watch them fumble and fall; and try to teach them the humble joy of picking oneself up and working to do better next time. I listen to the playground saga’s holding back my own biases and trying to use my words to gently move them towards value-based decision making.

I remember my first pregnancy and the tears with which I swore that the ones I carry would never cry the tears I have cried. As fate would have it, time and circumstance (that I attribute to God and how He moves), have seen to it that I see and understand the entirety of the roots of my tears, that I may burn them away and in those places plant new trees that are sturdy and strong enough to meet the sun with the courage and fortitude required to thrive.

I watched Nyandia Gachagos story on the engage platform and I knew the weight of her words and the weight of her presence on that stage, watch it here. I will close with her words.

I am the mother I am today, the woman I am today because of and in spite of my parents.

Photo by Carlos Quintero on Unsplash

Little Rays of Sunshine on A Cloudy Day

I haven’t written here for a long while!! That is not for a lack of stories but rather a lack of time. But I do miss my ‘mamamagic’ space. Being a mummy is still a magical journey that I love to share.


Updates

Both little men are walking now! Or should I say running and talking. The stories in this house are now never ending. Mostly funny stories, sometimes stories that you wish you could erase and they came out in the wrong place. Like a few weeks ago one of our relatives was rushed to hospital, I think little man put 2 and 2 together and decided to fill in the rest of the story himself. Weeks later little man goes to his aunty like, ‘Aunteeeeeee, uncle is a bad boy! Uncle beat you and you stayed in hospital? Uncle is a very bad boy…’


Yes I think my bladder almost released at that point because where would a little guy just under years old get that? And express himself so clearly! On the other hand, my baby is so confident and well spoken! My heart swells with pride!


There are many similar stories, they are almost weekly now. Including taking the mouse from the cat and showing it off to all and sundry, gosh you should have seen how their nanny ran, I’ve never seen her move like that!


Jumper on the other hand. Well, he jumps, all day, every day. He eats and jumps and his stories tend to come in a staccato that matches his jumping, ‘Mummy. Daddy. Go. Work. Now. Daddy. Stuck. In. daafik.’it’s a noisy playful house and really, nothing fills me up with joy like working in my workspace while hearing these lively voices play and shout out their stories! Which we can now understand!



Validation

This post is really about validation and encouragement. Life’s been really hard lately and we haven’t been able to treat the boys the way we used to or even want to. So we’ve been cracking under the pressure to keep the family afloat. I’ve been out there hustling like crazy to get a few shillings to the table sometimes clients pay, most times after you’ve done something decent, they decide either that’s not what they wanted or that is not work worth paying for… aki this life… God is seeing you people! Then another time I had 200 shillings between me and poverty… cops took it and I looked that cop in the eye and told him, his greed has denied 2 children their breakfast. Which it had… but well, that’s whats up. Life eh? But I have a God and so far the kids have always had something to eat.


So when that’s the daily hum drum of life, sometimes I hate myself for not being a good enough mum because despite the cold weather I couldn’t afford to buy my little man a fleece jacket, or replace the broken heater, or make him nice treats for school because we can’t afford to fix the oven. The killer for me is that now I’m away so much hustling that on top of the nice things we can’t do for them, mummy isn’t around as often. So when you get home with such clouds over your head and the children rush out to hug you hello, lead you to a seat or the couch and offer to get you water (despite the fact that they are too small to handle the water jug without breaking it…) I feel lifted, motivated, encouraged that my babies aren’t looking at me badly.


But the one that has given me life for days is when their cousins asked them to stay over for 2 or 3 days and the boys, both of them said, no ‘I want to stay with my mummy..!’ That brought tears to my eyes. That despite all the hardness we are going through home is best for them, even when mummy only has 1 or 2 hours a day with them, even if mummy doesn’t make them yummy muffins and smoothies anymore, even if they only have a few broken toys… they still would rather be at home with mummy.


People ask me, what is it like being a mum? Well, I think this post puts it very clearly. There will always be someone who believes that you are the best despite the odds. There will always be someone who motivates you to be that much better simply by being sweet.





Meanwhile, if anyone is looking for a digital online marketer or online digital planner, or content person with a background in journalism and a pretty decent track record as an all-round communications person. Send me a buzz, jumper needs to go to school and right now I don’t even know if they will have milk next week!